October 10 M1753 Orlando
[excerpt]

It remains to be seen if this whole endeavor wasn’t a mistake but I’m doing ok so far. I’ve ordered enough groceries and alcohol and Vietnamese food to last for days and while it’s supposed to rain at some point virtually every day this week, I remain cautiously optimistic (or maybe I just want to avoid feeling like I’ve wasted my money).

On the plane I wondered: Is this trip an act of self-care? Self-love even? Why am I gifting this to myself—this and any of the other things I’ve gifted myself over the years? Am I trying to soothe myself? Is it like alcohol where it feels like a treat to indulge myself? (Ha, I’m currently waiting on a liquor delivery.) Why do I go through so much trouble when most days I don’t want to wake up? It’s confusing and the confusion is frustrating to me. 

On my flight here (packed with families decked out head-to-toe in full Disney regalia) I remember thinking, “I wouldn’t mind if this plane crashed as long as nobody died but me.” I stopped thinking about it when the thought of watching other people panic made me sad.

Sometimes I have no clue what I think of myself. Do I hate myself? Do I secretly like myself? My observable demeanor suggests to others that I’m a confident and well-adjusted person and it almost makes me laugh that I’ve been able to craft such an image. But it’s not for a lack of effort, so I guess I should be pleased I’ve succeeded.