November 25 F1200 Brooklyn
[excerpt]

I meant to take a klonopin before the party in anticipation of social anxiety and forgot. The energy level was high due to some chaotic personalities (amazing how one or two people can change the vibe of a whole party) whereas I couldn’t have felt more empty and out-of-it.

I’ve been more depressed than usual the past few weeks and it was impossible to be fully present among my friends. I wanted to hide in one of the bedrooms and curl up in a fetal position the whole time. I felt terrible for not being able to switch on my social mode which reliably comes out after I have a drink or two, but yesterday after a fifth of a bottle of bourbon I gave up on waiting for it to kick in. I feel lucky that no one seemed to notice, or if they did, nobody seemed to care. Maybe I got away with it because I was dressed festively. Danielle said beforehand that the party needed an “uncle” and specifically requested I wear an ascot, so there I am sitting in the corner sporting a corduroy blazer and a silk ascot thinking about exhaust pipes and carbon monoxide.

Tyler and Cree knew I wasn’t feeling myself and checked on me from time to time, which was really thoughtful of them. Both privately told me that someone like me is always needed in a high energy setting to offset the big personalities and balance the vibe, and while I agree with them in theory, I don’t think any party needs someone as down as I was.

It was great to see my friends and every single dish couldn’t have been more delicious (and the turkey I brined was the juiciest I’ve ever had), but overall the whole thing stressed me the fuck out. I’m glad it’s over but I’m sad I couldn’t enjoy it. I’m also sad that alcohol isn’t cutting it anymore. It seems these days that nothing can make me feel social and joyful and light, not even ambien which has been a mainstay in my diet since 2005 (jesus). It always made me kinder to myself and excited about living my life to the fullest, and now, nothing. I feel like I’m doomed.

I have therapy later today and I want to cancel. I’m so embarrassed when I feel this down. It makes me feel frustrating to talk to and I turn into an impossibly stuck patient she’d rather not see, especially the day after Thanksgiving. I barely have enough energy today to go buy more beer. I just want to curl up in bed to pass the time until bedtime and then all of this emptiness repeats tomorrow.